Ass Cakes

I know it's not Saturday, but work has been heinous all week, and I seriously needed some culinary therapy.  So, it was finally time for me to bust out the Mojito cupcakes.


I was pretty excited about these.  I figured they would be fluffy and lime-minty with a hint of rum.


I've taken to calling them ass-cakes.

I'll start the story of the ass-cakes by stating maybe I should have known better.  My mom bought me an adorable looking book.  A cupcake Bakery Murder Mystery.  It's super cute with cupcakes on the front and the character is a single 34 year old , just like me, and I was stoked.  But the story was kinda... blah.  Generic.  It was cute, but it wasn't great.  And the cupcake talk actually got in the way of the murder mystery.  So with that in mind, the recipes in the back should have screamed "Danger, Will Robinson!"

But I was totally into the idea of mixed drink flavored cupcakes.   My friend Jessica's fiance makes a white Russian cake that is amazing.  How could lime, mint and rum go bad?

Here's the recipe.  I obscured it to protect myself from lawsuits.  I also used my cell phone because the ass cakes didn't deserve me going to find the real camera.

The invisible ingredient is apparently the dirty sweat gland of a monkey's butt

So, I got everything all together, and I set to reading the recipe twice.  Because if you check twice, you don't have mishaps.  Like the time I exploded a red velvet cake in the oven.  Exploded red velvet cake dripping from an oven rack makes it look like a crime scene, by the way.

I did EVERYTHING by the book.  EVERYTHING.  And it smelled so good.

I was even proud of how I zested a lime.  Without getting lime on my skin.  I couldn't wait for the first batch to come out.

I'd whipped up the most incredibly perfect butter cream of my life.  It was fluffy, and had nice peaks and would have frosted and crusted perfectly.  I was going to swirl with a star tip and garnish with a mint leaf, too... Here it is.  I made it a very soft green, because I thought it would be lovely, aesthetically.

 

It tastes as light and fluffy as it looks.  And rum flavored, too.

  I waited till the cupcakes had cooled, and I snagged one.  I peeled back the wrapper, and I was a bit disappointed.  There was no light fluffiness.  There was... an unleavened biscuit look to it.   And it was stuck to the wrapper.


I tried not to be concerned.  maybe it would be dense and rich and delicious.  They smelled really good.  I caught up some butter-cream and slapped it on and took a bite.

This is a mini-cupcake.  What does it say that I couldn't eat anymore?

Once upon a time (last week) I put on some hand sanitizer.  I was talking and distracted and I gestured to my lips and got sanitizer on them.  The taste of the sanitizer in comparison to this cupcake was like a fine French pastry compared to a Little Debbie snack cake that a dog had eaten then pooped out.

I'll just say, there's a similar punchline to the story where I mistook deodorant on my finger for powdered sugar from my doughnut.  (Wow, I have no shame to admit these things.)

"Maybe," I thought, "Maybe my taste buds are off because I was chewing on spearmint leaves."  So I innocuously took a cupcake to my mother.  "Hey, wanna try this?"

I waited while she tok a bite, and then I saw the look flicker across her eyes.  "Dear God, I just bit into the anal gland of a hippo.  How do I not hurt Robyn's feelings.  Do I have to swallow this?  Can I talk through the crap in my mouth and still sound like a supportive mother?"

I asked her, "It's terrible, right?"

She agreed.  But said the frosting was delicious.  It really was delicious.  I sealed it up and plan to use it again.

As for the cupcakes:

están en la basura

At least I'm perfecting the butter-cream method.