DISCLAIMER: This post is actually about life, and Lent, and personal decisions. If you're just here for the easy stuff, come back on Sunday.
When I was growing up, I had a friend who was a Catholic... I had more than one, but this is actually about him, sorta, so we'll just focus on that. He was Catholic with the big C, and every year for Lent, I knew he gave something up, usually something stupid like "Swearing in front of his mom." Things he shouldn't do anyway, he'd make a big show about giving it up. I used to tell him he should give up being an AHole for Lent. But I didn't really have a healthy understanding or respect for it. He didn't either, so that's where I picked it up. So, I always thought of Lent as a joke. Dude and all his homies would give up stupid crap (One year it was "Having anal probes from aliens") and I'd roll my eyes, and shrug, being way more protestant on the protestant spectrum than most of the people I knew.
When I went to college, a good friend of mine (I just shouted out to you in my blog, Beene) explained it a little more clearly. Keep in mind this was before Wikipedia. So I looked up a few things via altavista and GaLeLiO. And i tried it out. But I went the "Using Lent as a self-help tool" method of Lenting, which is valid. I usually gave up smoking or caffeine. And I'd have a much healthier 40 days, but the day after Easter, i was back to my regular self. If you don't know me, then I was back to being brash and loud and hopped up on caffeine and chain smoking on the roof of Banks or the porch. And drinking vodka out of Capri Sun Packages. Come to think of it, sometimes I miss college.
As I've gotten older, most of my vices have rolled away with age. cursing is the one I'll probably never leave. And Caffeine isn't a vice, it's a valid lifestyle choice.
So as Lent approached in the last few years, I've struggled with what to do. I could give up chocolate, or sodas, and I would do well, but would I really be doing anything in the true spirit of fast and reflection?
Last year, my church challenged us to give up time instead of things, to devote time to something good. Maybe this was 2 years ago... time all melds together for me... Since May, everything is either Before the Home invasion or After the Home Invasion. It was BHI, anyway.
This year, I really tried to figure out what I could do to make this whole Lenten season meaningful to me. And I was pretty much back to giving up cussing again, because I know it makes my mom happy when I speak in a more genteel fashion.
And then, it occurred to me that I am a talker. I'm a stunning conversationalist. Even when I'm alone in the car, I'll often talk to myself, just to fill those quiet spaces, because I don't do well in quiet spaces. I also like to share my opinion much to the chagrin and annoyance of pretty much everyone I know. I'm still apparently brash, and loud (Although the loud really is due to hearing loss, not just an irritating need to be the loudest person.)
So, this year, i made the pretty quiet decision to give up excessive speech. This covers so many places. I won't be able to complain, or hyprbolate, be sarcastic or snarky or even take the time to be overly bitchy or opinionated, because I've chosen to choose words concisely. I will be forced to think things through before I speak, in order to make m answers clear and succinct.
I haven't given up communication. I will still smile and greet people, or answer questions, I just won't initiate conversations. Or elaborate on answers as is my wont, but mostly, I will not strive to fill in the silences, because my whole point is to use them to see if I'm missing those times when God is trying to communicate because I won't bother to shut up long enough to listen.
This morning, my mother asked me if I was feeling well. Because I was quiet. I like to think that after these 40 days, I will have found a new contemplative nature.
Though chances are, I will have just rediscovered my love of day dreaming, and I'll just go back to being a bit of a quiet wallflower type.
Maybe I should have just given up being an A Hole for Lent.
There IS a proviso... As a teacher, I will have to talk a lot at work. But maybe, as I practice conservation in my personal hours, it will just become second nature.
The hardest part will probably be with my coworkers. Since I am counting them as part of my agreement to not speeak, there are moments when you are in a classroom and you come to the realization that it's likely a career as an experimental test subject for new bullet proof clothing would be less abusive mentally and physically, and your co workers will want to make sardonic comments about the WOE that is your career choice and you just want to agree with them. I will just smile, and remind myself that I am holding my tongue.
Already, I've screwed up. Fortunately, I'm human, and it's utterly expected. I just hope that the effort will pay off. And I'll finally figure out my purpose/calling/whatever the hell you want to call it. At 35, that shit should be pretty clear by now...
As for crafting, I'm now 5 birthday presents behind, for stupid things like, failure to finalize attaching arms. But I'm working on it. And will soon post all of the awesomeness that is my amigurimis.
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